A Monica trapped in Amandaland
What's Meghan to do?
It would be very easy to fire off six hundred words of snark about Meghan’s telly show. How Amanda already trademarked Senuous, how nice it must be to get to fanny around at a borrowed mansion, wafting in cashmere neutrals while curating rainbow boards of fruit.
I’m genuinely pleased that Meghan’s children aren’t freaked out by foods touching each other and that she doesn’t have to decant peas into their own small vessel with a separate spoon or create a deconstructed stir fry in order to tempt one of them into eating a single vitamin that day. Great work Meg!
It reminded me of the time my little brother and mum starred in an episode of the classic eighties television children’s vehicle, Playdays. I was at school that day, which still burns a little if I’m honest.
My mother was very much a smack two bits of brown bread together with a lumpy smear of butter and marmite packed lunch provider. You might dig out half a slice of cheese If You Were Lucky.
On the day that Playdays came to shoot they made her slice up sandwiches in the shape of triangles! She was filmed on repeat for what was apparently hours, which she complained to us about afterwards. But it brings joy to my heart that somewhere in a BBC archive is footage of my mother being forced to slice jaunty shaped snacks. Who knew she was actually a very early adopter of the aesthete lifestyle genre! (Meghan has special cutters to create heart shaped sarnies).
In extraordinary news, someone uploaded the 1991 episode to YouTube. An excerpt here! Eagle eyed viewers may spot my Edd The Duck toy in a hammock and our old cat Darty 💔 . Watch to the end to see just how grumpy my mum was about the sandwiches.
Anyhoo. I digressed. But, honestly, I’m slightly out of hot takes for Mrs Sussex. I also feel that everyone else has covered it all off. I mean, it is funny but also quite mean? I’m not sure adding to the dogpile is that dignified. One thing I do know. If you write and rant about Meghan the internet really adores it. Clickety click.
Whatever you think of her, it can’t be much fun being Meghan, with all of that. This country is bafflingly weird over its royal family. What would be acceptable for her to do, now, with every effort snarled at, every foray into public life objected to? She’s not slagging anyone off with “her truth”, she’s not pretending to save mankind, she’s just wallying around with some flowers. Yes it’s all tone deaf, so is every other vacuous influencer doing spon-con.
We’ll all go and stand in the rain limply waving petrol station carnations while they tour a sock factory
Do we really expect them to come shuffling back, rainbow fruit platter between their legs, begging for forgiveness. Then what? We’ll all go and stand in the rain limply waving petrol station carnations while they tour a sock factory. The problem is she’s become too good a story, easy news copy and a cheap viral win. She’s not a real person to us anymore, she’s the human version of Brexit.
I have very limited interest or admiration for any of the royal family. In my humble peasant opinion I think they are all shameless grifters. All of them. The Wales’ PLC Duchy of Cornwall is an absolute racket. The dodgy uncle still gets to live in a mansion in the grounds of Windsor Castle even after paying off a woman who accused him of sexual assault! The chieftain threw a hissy fit over a pen! They are dreadful.
Can we really blame Meghan for taking one look at the trajectory of life in Slough before hot footing it back to sunny California? And, isn’t she simply following in their barefaced cash collecting ways?
Yes she’s starting a brand to flog stuff to pay for her decadent lifestyle. But you don’t have to buy any of it. You don’t have to watch her show. You know what we don’t get to opt out of? UK taxpayer money paying out, checks notes, £1.5 million per year to dear old Wills for the lease of HMP Dartmoor, currently vacant and unlikely to ever reopen after a toxic gas leak. In the shadow of that hustle I think we can let Meghan have her jam. Sorry, preserves.
Her story is a compelling basis for the launch of any brand. If Hailey Bieber can make vagina-shaped phone covers a thing, how hard can it honestly be?
What I find odd, is how badly they are being advised, or perhaps not listening to advice. Her life trajectory is impressive and interesting. A kid from LA, gets a lead role in a TV show (sure, I never watched it) which runs for seven years. Starts a blog, amasses a million followers, does some charity stuff with the UN. That’s not bad is it? Then she ends up as Mrs Prince Harry! This is riveting. She’s also very, very pretty! She looks hot!
Her story is a compelling basis for the launch of any brand. If Hailey Bieber can make vagina-shaped phone covers a thing, how hard can it honestly be? As usual in these circumstances, I consulted with my friend Lucie Greene, who is a trend analysis genius (she runs a consultancy called Lightyears, and used to head up JWT’s trend forecasting division).
Lucie said this:
“It’s both difficult to watch and hard to look away. I just think she is so affected - thinks things are cute but comes off as not authentic. It’s not the car crash they paint it as. I watched as I was curious but did not want to judge. Didn’t want to write off. But I even think the Instagram Tig moment she launched in and is clearly revisiting in some way to connect to her former identity has all moved on.”
We both kind of felt sorry for her.
“I think she should have dug into her early days as an accomplished student, struggling actress and being an aspiring entrepreneur with the Tig - but also the imperfection of that. Fuck palatial estate life and trying to be Martha Stewart. She should go back to that early struggle and social media creative.”
In other words, ditch the trad-wife-show-boating. Throw in a bit more OG grit.
Having streamed two episodes (I made my husband watch it with me, for balance, as he is a much nicer person than I am) I thought at times she looked nervous but she’s generally rather good at making banalities at a camera which I imagine is an art that looks easy but takes some level of talent to make it appealing.
From an environmental point of view I was slightly alarmed by the wanton use of excessive plastic bags for her guests! But I’ve also stayed at enough American hotels to know that they have no qualms about endless small plastic housed items.
She seems quite sweet and well meaning if a little Monica from Friends. Very head girl who must be in control. There’s a scene which I thought was quite telling in a palace bullying allegations sort of way. She and her jolly makeup pal Daniel are making candles and she gets quite clenched teeth snappy when he over pours the liquid wax into a jug. There are two jugs for the mixture to be poured into. “One for each of us!!!” she trills in a forced-smile way.
It was very Monica Geller put-the-caps-back-onto-the-pens-coded.
There are however, plenty of women making a tidy living faffing about with cakes and making kids parties look as if they’re actually fun (tbf, not inviting any actual children is a genius move). Stealth- wealthy outfits, perfectly coordinated Le Creuset pots and chopping boards. This is the sourdough bread and butter sculpture of the Tablescape Tyrants, and they all seem to get away with being equally tedious.
But our poor Monica is desperately trying to find meaning in a ceramic platter of crudités, trapped under a pile of beige napkins, contorted to perform to an algorithm that culturally has moved on. Like Amanda, no amount of good ring light angling can restore her to her previous world of aspirational lifestyle glory. She burned too brightly through the internet, it cannot be tamed.
Lucie wondered if she regretted the whole marrying Prince Harry thing. “There’s a lot of projection, an over compensation when this all came naturally before. But she is too controlling. She can never go back. And the royal thing has created all these restrictions.”
And yet, if the vitriol levels keep up, it isn’t out of the question that a more sympathetic backlash will follow. Siding with the bullies isn’t a great look right now. As one wise EiC Contributing Editor pointed out,
“What was everyone expecting? She seems nice enough. Hardly Putin is she? I probably wouldn't cook and do crafts in that colour palette but I also understand IT'S TV.”
Personally, if I was Meghan, I’d have been banging on Emma and Jens Grede’s door begging them to help me (they are the power duo behind Skims and Good American). If they can make me obsessed with Khloe Kardashian’s jeans, they can sell anything, or indeed, anyone.
The interesting twist to come is the pricing on As Ever her new business venture of teas, cookie and pancake mix, preserves and flower sprinkles (I know). The packaging looks like a supermarket premium range. Also, ready mix pancakes? It’s not Daylesford. It’s going to be sold at Netflix shops in regional malls. This is not Cutter Brooks in the Cotswolds. It feels more, Target / TJ Maxx moms. But perhaps a mid-market play is her best bet.
You can find her supporters easily enough. They’re commenting positively on snippy magazine Instagram posts, they’re reading Elizabeth Holmes So Many Thoughts considerate, celebratory take. They do exist. Are there enough of them to keep the Montecito chicken dream alive? A part of me really hopes so.
Thank you for reading this edition of Everything is Content! If you’re not signed up then please do subscribe to receive regular missives direct to your inbox.
To become a bona fide EiC Contributing Editor, and part of the Making Content Great Again movement level up with a PAID subscription which gives you access to all paywalled posts, ability to comment and submit questions to monthly ASK VM.
Do press the ❤️ if you enjoyed this, it really does help the Substack overlords with their little algorithm. Thank you please!
Stand bye for a very special International Women’s Day edition of EiC coming to you later this week.
Until then,
xVx