Everything is going swimmingly
A pool guide for fools
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In London, at least, we are mid-way through a heat wave. Will it last until Glastonbury?? I’m not going so ultimately I don’t care. We must also gird ourselves for a hefty amount of bossy content declaring what summer dress you should or shouldn't be wearing, whither flip flops, what of linen, bikini fat-fascism, have you heard about these magical trousers which stop at your knees… we’re going to call them shorts!
At all points recall this - pages have to be filled every week and what you wear is not a personality type. I mean it can be a bit, but it can also just be very hot and you want to not have fabric touching your skin.
I am personally of the bent that summer dressing is its own individual enigma to be cracked. I would not wear a jolly print most of the year, but June-end August, I would. I am a different wardrobe person in summer. I like a floaty dress. I’ll do a bit of smocking. I will! Colours may be embraced.
I’ve also moved into a different phase now that I spend most of my time in the kitchen with the dog. This occurred to me in sharp relief last week when I ventured out to stand in a posh shop to drink some champagne. I went in a blue striped dress! (v old Sacai TBF). Everyone else, the fashion populace that are front-facing all day at their little busy and important jobs were all in black. As I would have likely been should I still have a busy, important job to do. But I don’t! So I wore something, more, jolly.
I actually think not having to be a “fashion person” all day long makes getting dressed generally more fun. Being a “fashion person” means that you end up adhering to a raft of silent, unspoken rules and parameters in order to look intellectually above just “getting dressed” which any old prole can sort out.
Anyway! It’s occurred to me lately that my eye has shifted. Black shroud-y things are left hanging while I test out different combinations. Sometimes I think it’s a lot easier to enjoy fashion and clothes when you’re not knee deep in its capitalist clutches every day.
It’s always helpful to remember that it’s just stuff and things and none of it means very much at all, except that it can mean something to you personally, and that thing should be fun.
That was actually quite a long prelude to something that I do think it’s important to consider some rules about. Swimming! Which I take very seriously.
I get it, now that it’s hot here you all come to the leisure centre or lido, freshly waxed ready to “cool off”. I understand. For those of us who are there, schlepping up the lanes month-in-month-out-year-round, it is the most tiresome of seasons. Pools in June are equal to the January gym rush, full of preening amateurs getting in the way. So actually I am going to be bossy on this point, because after a little pass-agg lane violation this morning I can see that I have a public duty to offer some timely, curt guidance.
Respect the lane
It doesn’t matter how fast you swim, but it does matter how fast you swim compared to other people. Are you constantly going too close to other people’s bums, aggressively splashing past them to get out in front? Get out of the lane! You’re in the wrong lane. You’re also a dick.
Move on
You came with your friends? That’s so fun! You want to chat? Get out the lane! Standing around in a group at the end of a lane so no one can pause MOMENTARILY to push off back the other way is an absolute atrocity. This also applies to couples. Awful.
Swimming with sunglasses on head
You are not a serious person, or a serious swimmer. Get out of the lane. The open lane is for you and your pootling along type.
Social media
Absolutely not.
Posing IRL
There you all are, lining up against the side of the open lane free for all section, tanning oil glistening on your skin, bodies sweatily up against each other, pouting along the line at some intended crush. So cute! Fine with it tbh. Keeping this area of the water free means that when I bring my kid after school we have an open course for hand stands and for her to laugh loudly saying “I can see that lady’s bum”.
Thong bikinis
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